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My Friends, My Habits, My Family...They Mean So Much To Me
Nov. 24th, 2006
01:49 pm - I can't get out of my own fucking shadow
More than anything, I wish I could smoke here at Colin's computer, but not even I am that selfish. No smoking in da house...heh.
I'm chilled to the bone and it's not just because this house freezes underneith the shade of hundred year old trees. As much as I try to walk away, I can't kill the voyer in me. God, I wish it were like elective surgery....pay a fee, triffle with insurance but be rid of whatever it is that's plaguing you....wisdom teeth, cellulite, crooked nose, adnoids, but this is rather ineffective when it comes to exfriends and boyfriends.
The rational world has to be looking at me like I'm just emotionally underdeveloped, being as uncomfortable with this as I am. Why? Then I have to stare at my shoes and remind myself that, with me, everything is a compitition. It's the monkey that's been on my back since birth....inferiority complex times ten....got to prove I can beat you to a bloody pulp and you'll still come begging for more. They remind me of me and him, back when it was good, so good. Stupid, committed, superior, poetry, youth. And then I take pause to remember all the bad. Getting dropped for boyfriend after boyfriend, dealing with her extreme highs and lows, being judged for everything under the guise of caring, having no social life because he hated everything and everyone because they disgusted him, the silence, the boring sex, the shitty guteral music, the black so so so much black, the stench of malbough reds, the poetry that lost its meaning, the judgement of my family and their ways....fuck it, nevermind. I may be envious of that original feeling, but I'll be damned if I ever hate so much ever again.
My man and I aren't deep. We don't have philosophical conversations about physics and the validity of the necronomicon. We make each other laugh, remember the small things, get each other off on a regular basis, make dinner, clean dishes, hang out with our friends, and try to live as well as your slightly above average 24 year olds can. These are the touchstones when I start to fly off into left field.
So I started on this with an entirely different emotion than I'm leaving with. I suppose that's the point, but how to end it, rebuke everything that was just committed to page? Nah, felt that, but am not feeling it as intensely as I did. Mission accomplished.
Jun. 14th, 2005
04:50 pm - AUSTIN FRIENDS.....Help a sister out
Hey, all, after Bonnaroo, I've got the bug to get out to another festival in the coming months(music=crack). I've got my eye on the Austin City Limits Festival in September, but current flights out of Fort Myers on Expedia are in the $300 range, which is a little rich for my blood considering I still have to pay for a hotel and such. I don't have time to drive out because I'll be teaching by then and I don't think taking three days off work would be kosher, if ya know what I mean. Anybody have any ideas on how to save a little cash on this endeavor?
P.S. Manchester, Tenn. might just have saved my soul. I don't know how I'm gonna get through another year. Bonnaroo is love.
busyMay. 1st, 2005
11:03 pm - "She wants neo-soul cause hip hop is old...."
Christ, I'm tired. My feet hurt. LJ is lame and being avoided by your alcoholic friend because of their shame is starting to erk me for all of the wrong reasons.
Everyone should listen to Citizen Cope's "Sideways"
Apr. 21st, 2005
11:52 am - What the Hell is Everyone Else Fretting About?
Fuck all, I need some passion in my life. Seriously, I haven't experienced a drought like this sense that extended period of misery known as high school. Somebody write me some poetry that I will remind me that, in truth, I don't hate all poetry.
My life right now is all Blu Sushi and The O.C.; barely any style and absolutely no substance.
Really the only thing working for me now is the vast influx of decent music. Once your safety net, always your safety net.
boredApr. 20th, 2005
01:54 pm - Like Whoa
Running start....ok....break...
You know what's funny? Seeing yourself in other people, your traits, your tastes. Strange how you still feel somewhat special even though that's proof otherwise....nah, you're not like everyone else, hell no, that other person is NOW just as cool as you. Meh.
I now own "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart". It's on permanant rotation as background fodder in my bedroom. It's almost as if I get to hang out with Wilco everyday. Ok, see, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't actually type something so stalker-esque. I'll ask you to do the same.
Between jobs and drinking, there is nary a moment to breath. I'm not complaining, I rather like it, gives you less time to overanalyze every minuscule detail of your rather average life. Aside from nannying and serving, I picked up a temp gig here at Councilman Randy Henderson's office for the week. I'm living in wonderland, kids, really I am. I come to work downtown, next door to my favorite bar, Brick Bar everyday, drink my coffee, pick up the office lunch or meet any number of people for lunch...if only I could acquire an apartment in the Dean building my life would be perfect for like a year, but no more....must go to graduate school, must go. The point is that I love this job and for no reason other than the local and my lovely, family friend employers. Just when you start to think the town you grew up in doesn't exist anymore, you take a job for which every phone call you receive is someone you know.
HE'S driving me mad. I don't think I've wanted something so badly since graduation. Bad comparison, but fuck it, there really are no more words. He's bad, I'm bad, "this" is bad, but his laugh is disgustingly something.
AMY-it got worse Monday(is that even remotely possible?). Bastard put on his own cds....G Love and Special Sauce...I just laid my head on the bar as a sign of sure defeat.
Anna's potential porn star material best friend got a pomerainian. Normally, in the words of my dear friend Brent, I just want to kick all "toy" dogs on sight, but this dog(Lola....how fn cute) is nothing short of adorable. It's two pounds of fur and piss. I want it, but never want to be seen with it.
Do you ever feel as though compared to the people you most admire, you are horribly limited?
Why the fuck didn't I double major?
And of course the Roots and Dane Cook would come to UCF NOW! Just looking at Dane Cook makes me snicker like a bitchy school girl.
NFL DRAFT THIS WEEKEND....a whole lotta hype for nothing more than an excuse to talk about football for two days in the very beginning of Summer.
Sweet Baby Jesus! The Old 97s, Blue Merle(great live act), Kings of Leon(aaaaaahaaaaa), The Frames, Citizen Cope, Ray LaMontagne, and Josh Ritter have all been added to the Bonnaroo line up. This is really almost too good to be true.
Oh and I think I've come to terms with the fact that I like Hall and Oats. Nope, I take that back, it's still embarrassing
tiredMar. 22nd, 2005
02:07 pm - Rapid Fire
-Got psuedo-fired from a ridiculously shitty job for not being a bookeeper. I'm being kept on for contractual work thanks to my skills in the letter writing dept. Let's put it this way, I'll deal.
-Started a wait job a couple of weeks ago at Blue Pointe. Reminding me day by day that I HATE serving, but then again, it's like working out, in the thick of it I hate everything and everyone, but by the end of the night when I'm tallying my tips the endorphens come a flowin'.
-Will start nannying again as soon as Mandy is born....hopefully a lot.
-The last thing in the world I want to do is have to get yet another job. So not up for it. Need to go back to school.
-Cannot stop thinking about perhaps the most perfect hook-up ever. So many things I did not sign up or anticipate. Hot. Not boyfriend, not one-night stand, hmmm, there are no fucking words. I think about this guy and I get that pathetic surge of happiness in my chest, confidence mixed with something else I can't identify. This will end badly, mark my words, but for now I'm just going to bask in the pride of it.
Off hand only one problem....his favortie band is Pavement.....I branded this guy something else entirely....perhaps Mr. "I think I'm a music snob because I listen to classic rock and occasionally drift the dial towards hip-hop, hell, why not, everybody else is doin' it". Wrong, wrong, wrong...how did I get the same dude yet in different packaging?
-Going to Red Sox V. Orioles tomorrow. YEEEEEHAAAAWWWWW!!!!! Sweet, sweet Johnny Damon....
Mar. 4th, 2005
01:36 pm - Why I am cooler than you
I'M GONNA SEE THE DRIVE BY TRUCKERS TONIGHT AT SKIPPERS IN TAMPA!!!!!!!!!!!!
ecstaticMar. 2nd, 2005
embarrassedMar. 1st, 2005
11:35 pm - Where are you?
So....
-so much to say but no way to say it
-music, music, music everywhere, but no funds to purchase it
-done with dial up at home....want to press my head to my keyboard until the keys leave imprints
-missing the n key has never, ever been so fucking frustrating
-got yet another job at Blue Point. How did I end up serving again? Oh, that's right, I'm broke. So depressing.
-Realized that I missed out on the BUNAC program and that despite all of my well worded begging to differ, I HAVE NO CLUE AS TO WHAT I WANT TO DO. That's not true, I just want to go overseas and work for a while, but that as all things are is far easier said than done.
-Earl Smith got spanked tonight and all I can think about is how crushed Sammy must be. Granted princess idealist should have seen the writing on the wall(gay mayor of Fort Myers? Please, we are not that progressive), but never the less, the girl has had a couple of shitty months.
-I need to have a conversation with a specific wanted individual about how I am not the type just to date someone to fuck with my parents' heads, BUT have lacked the appropriately sized balls to do so.
-There is nothing more pathetic than sitting at one's dinner table, surfing a Ryan Adams website, cigarette and glass of red wine in hand.
-I have fallen in complete and total lust with a good ole boy. I am screwed from this point on. Am I really comfortable with repeating my mother's mistakes in such a succinct way?
-Having a cd get scratched to no fault of your own is a bitch.
-why won't someone come over, peer through my glass door, and just witness this seldom moment of pure beauty?
-Lorelei and Luke are back together and almost all is right in the world again.
-had a dream a couple of nights back about having a child. All my friends were there, but no husband. I don't know if he just wasn't there or if he just wasn't a part of the dream that evening. Maybe it's just more tangible to dream of a child, something I can sort of control as opposed to having someone in my life on that level. Anyway, I remember specific details about the kid. It was a boy, brown hair, blue eyes, ornery, but infectiously happy and ever smiling. Only can be described as the scariest dream I've had in a long time.
-After the dream I had to ask my mother about all of the details of being pregnant with me, not the birth, but the pregnancy. She says she
-Can't stop thinking about the guy who's never going to call and why
I care so much when I know the whole thing was so monumentally ill-conceived from the very beginning.
-Want to cry, but then again, not because of the things that
I should bother to cry about. It's been to long.
full12:37 pm - Can't Help But Feel Foolish
The Dry Cleaners just called to tell me that the dress I wore to the first ball is practically ruined and isn't worth cleaning. The formal "expert" says there's two runs in the front of the dress' delicate fabric sort of like runs in hose and two holes from where my heel went through the hem(damn long dress). I feel horrible considering how goddamned beautiful that dress was and how much my mother paid for it. She's disappointed. I feel careless, ungrateful, and sick with the thought that that dress just has to be chucked in the back of the closet already for my future/non existant children to play in.
Why am I so upset?
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