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My Friends, My Habits, My Family...They Mean So Much To Me
Nov. 24th, 2006
01:49 pm - I can't get out of my own fucking shadow
More than anything, I wish I could smoke here at Colin's computer, but not even I am that selfish. No smoking in da house...heh.
I'm chilled to the bone and it's not just because this house freezes underneith the shade of hundred year old trees. As much as I try to walk away, I can't kill the voyer in me. God, I wish it were like elective surgery....pay a fee, triffle with insurance but be rid of whatever it is that's plaguing you....wisdom teeth, cellulite, crooked nose, adnoids, but this is rather ineffective when it comes to exfriends and boyfriends.
The rational world has to be looking at me like I'm just emotionally underdeveloped, being as uncomfortable with this as I am. Why? Then I have to stare at my shoes and remind myself that, with me, everything is a compitition. It's the monkey that's been on my back since birth....inferiority complex times ten....got to prove I can beat you to a bloody pulp and you'll still come begging for more. They remind me of me and him, back when it was good, so good. Stupid, committed, superior, poetry, youth. And then I take pause to remember all the bad. Getting dropped for boyfriend after boyfriend, dealing with her extreme highs and lows, being judged for everything under the guise of caring, having no social life because he hated everything and everyone because they disgusted him, the silence, the boring sex, the shitty guteral music, the black so so so much black, the stench of malbough reds, the poetry that lost its meaning, the judgement of my family and their ways....fuck it, nevermind. I may be envious of that original feeling, but I'll be damned if I ever hate so much ever again.
My man and I aren't deep. We don't have philosophical conversations about physics and the validity of the necronomicon. We make each other laugh, remember the small things, get each other off on a regular basis, make dinner, clean dishes, hang out with our friends, and try to live as well as your slightly above average 24 year olds can. These are the touchstones when I start to fly off into left field.
So I started on this with an entirely different emotion than I'm leaving with. I suppose that's the point, but how to end it, rebuke everything that was just committed to page? Nah, felt that, but am not feeling it as intensely as I did. Mission accomplished.
Jun. 14th, 2005
04:50 pm - AUSTIN FRIENDS.....Help a sister out
Hey, all, after Bonnaroo, I've got the bug to get out to another festival in the coming months(music=crack). I've got my eye on the Austin City Limits Festival in September, but current flights out of Fort Myers on Expedia are in the $300 range, which is a little rich for my blood considering I still have to pay for a hotel and such. I don't have time to drive out because I'll be teaching by then and I don't think taking three days off work would be kosher, if ya know what I mean. Anybody have any ideas on how to save a little cash on this endeavor?
P.S. Manchester, Tenn. might just have saved my soul. I don't know how I'm gonna get through another year. Bonnaroo is love.
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busyMay. 1st, 2005
11:03 pm - "She wants neo-soul cause hip hop is old...."
Christ, I'm tired. My feet hurt. LJ is lame and being avoided by your alcoholic friend because of their shame is starting to erk me for all of the wrong reasons.
Everyone should listen to Citizen Cope's "Sideways"
Apr. 21st, 2005
11:52 am - What the Hell is Everyone Else Fretting About?
Fuck all, I need some passion in my life. Seriously, I haven't experienced a drought like this sense that extended period of misery known as high school. Somebody write me some poetry that I will remind me that, in truth, I don't hate all poetry.
My life right now is all Blu Sushi and The O.C.; barely any style and absolutely no substance.
Really the only thing working for me now is the vast influx of decent music. Once your safety net, always your safety net.
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boredApr. 20th, 2005
01:54 pm - Like Whoa
Running start....ok....break...
You know what's funny? Seeing yourself in other people, your traits, your tastes. Strange how you still feel somewhat special even though that's proof otherwise....nah, you're not like everyone else, hell no, that other person is NOW just as cool as you. Meh.
I now own "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart". It's on permanant rotation as background fodder in my bedroom. It's almost as if I get to hang out with Wilco everyday. Ok, see, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't actually type something so stalker-esque. I'll ask you to do the same.
Between jobs and drinking, there is nary a moment to breath. I'm not complaining, I rather like it, gives you less time to overanalyze every minuscule detail of your rather average life. Aside from nannying and serving, I picked up a temp gig here at Councilman Randy Henderson's office for the week. I'm living in wonderland, kids, really I am. I come to work downtown, next door to my favorite bar, Brick Bar everyday, drink my coffee, pick up the office lunch or meet any number of people for lunch...if only I could acquire an apartment in the Dean building my life would be perfect for like a year, but no more....must go to graduate school, must go. The point is that I love this job and for no reason other than the local and my lovely, family friend employers. Just when you start to think the town you grew up in doesn't exist anymore, you take a job for which every phone call you receive is someone you know.
HE'S driving me mad. I don't think I've wanted something so badly since graduation. Bad comparison, but fuck it, there really are no more words. He's bad, I'm bad, "this" is bad, but his laugh is disgustingly something.
AMY-it got worse Monday(is that even remotely possible?). Bastard put on his own cds....G Love and Special Sauce...I just laid my head on the bar as a sign of sure defeat.
Anna's potential porn star material best friend got a pomerainian. Normally, in the words of my dear friend Brent, I just want to kick all "toy" dogs on sight, but this dog(Lola....how fn cute) is nothing short of adorable. It's two pounds of fur and piss. I want it, but never want to be seen with it.
Do you ever feel as though compared to the people you most admire, you are horribly limited?
Why the fuck didn't I double major?
And of course the Roots and Dane Cook would come to UCF NOW! Just looking at Dane Cook makes me snicker like a bitchy school girl.
NFL DRAFT THIS WEEKEND....a whole lotta hype for nothing more than an excuse to talk about football for two days in the very beginning of Summer.
Sweet Baby Jesus! The Old 97s, Blue Merle(great live act), Kings of Leon(aaaaaahaaaaa), The Frames, Citizen Cope, Ray LaMontagne, and Josh Ritter have all been added to the Bonnaroo line up. This is really almost too good to be true.
Oh and I think I've come to terms with the fact that I like Hall and Oats. Nope, I take that back, it's still embarrassing
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tiredMar. 22nd, 2005
02:07 pm - Rapid Fire
-Got psuedo-fired from a ridiculously shitty job for not being a bookeeper. I'm being kept on for contractual work thanks to my skills in the letter writing dept. Let's put it this way, I'll deal.
-Started a wait job a couple of weeks ago at Blue Pointe. Reminding me day by day that I HATE serving, but then again, it's like working out, in the thick of it I hate everything and everyone, but by the end of the night when I'm tallying my tips the endorphens come a flowin'.
-Will start nannying again as soon as Mandy is born....hopefully a lot.
-The last thing in the world I want to do is have to get yet another job. So not up for it. Need to go back to school.
-Cannot stop thinking about perhaps the most perfect hook-up ever. So many things I did not sign up or anticipate. Hot. Not boyfriend, not one-night stand, hmmm, there are no fucking words. I think about this guy and I get that pathetic surge of happiness in my chest, confidence mixed with something else I can't identify. This will end badly, mark my words, but for now I'm just going to bask in the pride of it.
Off hand only one problem....his favortie band is Pavement.....I branded this guy something else entirely....perhaps Mr. "I think I'm a music snob because I listen to classic rock and occasionally drift the dial towards hip-hop, hell, why not, everybody else is doin' it". Wrong, wrong, wrong...how did I get the same dude yet in different packaging?
-Going to Red Sox V. Orioles tomorrow. YEEEEEHAAAAWWWWW!!!!! Sweet, sweet Johnny Damon....
Mar. 4th, 2005
01:36 pm - Why I am cooler than you
I'M GONNA SEE THE DRIVE BY TRUCKERS TONIGHT AT SKIPPERS IN TAMPA!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ecstaticMar. 2nd, 2005
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embarrassedMar. 1st, 2005
11:35 pm - Where are you?
So....
-so much to say but no way to say it
-music, music, music everywhere, but no funds to purchase it
-done with dial up at home....want to press my head to my keyboard until the keys leave imprints
-missing the n key has never, ever been so fucking frustrating
-got yet another job at Blue Point. How did I end up serving again? Oh, that's right, I'm broke. So depressing.
-Realized that I missed out on the BUNAC program and that despite all of my well worded begging to differ, I HAVE NO CLUE AS TO WHAT I WANT TO DO. That's not true, I just want to go overseas and work for a while, but that as all things are is far easier said than done.
-Earl Smith got spanked tonight and all I can think about is how crushed Sammy must be. Granted princess idealist should have seen the writing on the wall(gay mayor of Fort Myers? Please, we are not that progressive), but never the less, the girl has had a couple of shitty months.
-I need to have a conversation with a specific wanted individual about how I am not the type just to date someone to fuck with my parents' heads, BUT have lacked the appropriately sized balls to do so.
-There is nothing more pathetic than sitting at one's dinner table, surfing a Ryan Adams website, cigarette and glass of red wine in hand.
-I have fallen in complete and total lust with a good ole boy. I am screwed from this point on. Am I really comfortable with repeating my mother's mistakes in such a succinct way?
-Having a cd get scratched to no fault of your own is a bitch.
-why won't someone come over, peer through my glass door, and just witness this seldom moment of pure beauty?
-Lorelei and Luke are back together and almost all is right in the world again.
-had a dream a couple of nights back about having a child. All my friends were there, but no husband. I don't know if he just wasn't there or if he just wasn't a part of the dream that evening. Maybe it's just more tangible to dream of a child, something I can sort of control as opposed to having someone in my life on that level. Anyway, I remember specific details about the kid. It was a boy, brown hair, blue eyes, ornery, but infectiously happy and ever smiling. Only can be described as the scariest dream I've had in a long time.
-After the dream I had to ask my mother about all of the details of being pregnant with me, not the birth, but the pregnancy. She says she
-Can't stop thinking about the guy who's never going to call and why
I care so much when I know the whole thing was so monumentally ill-conceived from the very beginning.
-Want to cry, but then again, not because of the things that
I should bother to cry about. It's been to long.
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full12:37 pm - Can't Help But Feel Foolish
The Dry Cleaners just called to tell me that the dress I wore to the first ball is practically ruined and isn't worth cleaning. The formal "expert" says there's two runs in the front of the dress' delicate fabric sort of like runs in hose and two holes from where my heel went through the hem(damn long dress). I feel horrible considering how goddamned beautiful that dress was and how much my mother paid for it. She's disappointed. I feel careless, ungrateful, and sick with the thought that that dress just has to be chucked in the back of the closet already for my future/non existant children to play in.
Why am I so upset?
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crushedFeb. 25th, 2005
10:31 am - My Life Is Not As Cool As A Sitcom But It's Getting There
Case in point, I've been talking to this guy, who I met at Olivius, for about a week. Nice enough guy, intelligent and involved enough to keep a conversation going for an hour and a half at a time...but he lives in....Punta Gorda. Yeah, strike one, but alas that is only strike one, we have two more to go.
He's sweet enough to call when he says he will. I'm mildly interested(I'm lying through my teeth right now...it's been a long time since there's been a legitimate mutual attraction)
SO, we're supposed to hang out last night because one of his friends is spinning somewhere. Oh, yeah, STRIKE TWO, he's a assclown dj, but then not. Let's put it this way, if the words come out of someone's mouth "I spin..." I automatically start to back the fuck away. But I'm still interested because from what I can tell, he's a pretty open minded guy, so I figure for once I'll keep an open mind. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.
Guy in question has been alluding to issues he had back in Texas which were why he moved here to start "fresh". I know, big, red flags. Guy tells me last night we can't hang out because he couldn't get a ride down. I was under the impression that when I met him he had borrowed his roommate's car. WRONG. He reveals he has a suspended license. Christ Almighty, STRIKE THREE, STRIKE THREE ALREADY!! I should have hung up the phone, but it doesn't stop there.
He goes a step further and tells me that he can't get caught driving not just because of the suspended license, but because, now wait for it.....there's still a WARRANT OUT FOR HIS ARREST IN TEXAS!!!!! To which he ends this all this by saying he will explain it all! UNCLE, I say!
Now that I've had a good sixteen hours to think about this, it's only gotten more depressing in retrospect. I mean, I could almost accept this kind of shit had he, ya know, paid his debt to society, but come on.
"He's the bandit, Virginia!!!" -Brent
Then I got dragged to Groove Street because downtown was dead and Nicole was in one of those moods. I actually got hit on by a guy with gold teeth.
There is no god.
discontentFeb. 23rd, 2005
10:28 am - A Brief Update
I'll make this short, mostly for posterity's sake....
-Pageant was great, as usual, but I'll admit that it was good to be queen. Fun was had by most and if you aren't most, it's not my fault. Ginnie Prichitt and Tyler Neubert are the new reigning monarchs, which is just as it should be. More on the later when time permits extensive highlights.
-Work is good considering that the Gala fundraiser is in the can.
-Mike's back in New York, but I'll probably see him when I escort(I' old enough to escort?) Anna and Carly for their 16th birthdays in the city come April.
-J still tends to not call back.....fuck em.
-I have a crush and he is so very unlikely.
-Have reintroduced myself to the joys of being a quasi-country girl, which includes fishing, drinking copious amounts of beer, muddin'(I kid you not), and after it all still be treated to dinner.
-After all of this, have managed to overdraw my account and render myself broker than a mofo, but then again for two months in 2005 that's how I rolled. Jigga what? Yeah, it's all over.
-Wrist brace finally comes off in about a week and a half. Bout damn time is all I can say. Very over being a gimp.
Well, this was intended to be short, but
Feb. 9th, 2005
05:46 pm - HOLY CHRIST!!!!!!!
They just added The Black Crowes and Jurrasic 5 to the Bonnaroo artist line up.......have no idea what to say....just the urge to get up on my desk at work(yes, I'm still at work) and do the most over-the-top happy dance....ever. Instead I will just sit her and giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl.
But I still want to dance
P.S. I'm broke and John Davis just came out with a new album....the sweet is never as sweet...
Feb. 2nd, 2005
01:30 pm
I'm hemorraging money...this has got to be put to a stop....but Ed Harcourt put out a new album yesterday.
excitedFeb. 1st, 2005
12:42 pm - Shooting Fish
So yeah, I broke my wrist for my birthday and have subsequently manufacturing causes for the various people who inevitably ask "Whatcha do to your arm?".
Scenerio 1: "I broke it snowboarding in Aspen. I know, so stupid..."
I use snowboarding because it's such a stark contrast to the actual instrument/process of my demise. "No, I'm not a silly drunk, I'M ATHLETIC not to mention cool and somewhat post-extreme..."
Scenerio 2: "My boyfriend hit me....and then I hit him back"
This is usually reserved for the truly annoying, persistant, or drunk bastards who are hitting on anything that might have a vagina.
As people have commented, I am a sick, sick bored girl.
Seriously though, you have to be able to entertain yourself once you run out of the percocet.
Jan. 26th, 2005
12:53 pm - Pure Sex
Maybe Tomorrow by the Stereophonics........ahhhhhhhh, yeah.
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contemplative10:50 am - From the dead....
So I turned 23, was forgotten, broke my wrist, got depressed, and proceeded to hole up in my house for two weeks...and then I got over it all. I've cut down on the cigarettes to a purely social activity, which is surprisingly not a big deal. My friends have come out of the woodwork to get me out of my funk and I couldn't be more appreciative. They's good people.
Everything is copacetic, and why you ask? I'm going to Bonnaroo this year with AMY...and hopefully a gaggle of others, but the point is I am finally going!!!! So far I'm looking forward to Jack Johnson, Modest Mouse, Alison Krauss and Union Station, Kellar Williams, Toots and the Maytals, IRON AND WINE, Ozomati, the Secret MAchines(for the second time), Ollabelle, Madeleine Peyroux, and THE DRIVE BY TRUCKERS!!! And that's only the first installment of artists. Come concert time 30 more acts will have been signed to the bill. Yeah, that's the light at the end of the grievously long tunnel for me.
Oh yeah, and RIP Johnny. I cried at the Today Show.
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crankyJan. 12th, 2005
11:15 am - Twatting Around At Work...
Sort of anticipating...sort of depressed. Recent revelation in the last two years of NOT being 21 anymore.
He called. I won. And I let it go to voice mail. Then I got his voice mail. Proof once again that every guy has a different allotment of days, hours, minutes before calling. I feel like a dumbass and am quite sure I have no longer won. ROUND THREE.
Managed to see Preston, Brent, Amy, Jenn, Maria, Emily Mcfuckingsomething, Dustin Inginger("Was he always that anorexic?"), Ryan from down the street. Nicole saw Laura Jackson at Olivius before I arrived. I was sure she had fallen off the face of the earth into a heroin induced haze, but alas she lives and she apparently still looks strung out. Sad for her.
Brent and I were talking about the differences between chicks and guys on seeing someone who you haven't seen in years and feeling wretched about said meeting. For guys, it's all about the level of "success" the other male has attained....which has merrit for the most part, but not us chicks. Yes, when I speak to someone who is already doing what I want to be doing it sucks, but mostly I concentrate on their physical status. For instance, ran into a girl last night who I grew up with . This girl is exactly my age, has popped out two illegitimate children from different fathers, works at Stonewood, but has recently gotten thin and looks generally great....and I feel like the lesser of the two. I mean, really, how did I get this twisted?
Jan. 11th, 2005
12:56 pm - Rome
Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's impending divorce was a topic of heavy discussion on the NBC morning news?
depressedJan. 7th, 2005
07:18 pm - Unsatisfied
So I bought a wedding dress today that's going to require taping my boobs, we're talking industrial strength duct tape, to wear it . If anyone has any idea where I could find those ridiculous tape thingies in a D cup, it would be much appreciated. I not, I really will be using tape, although I think I'll use packing tape because it is clear and that would be super weird looking.
South Beach sucks. I'm tired of vegetables, eggs, and meat. What I would do for a cracker or even some nonfat strawberry yogurt. Needless to say, I don't think this is going to be life changing for me, more temporary for posterity's sake seeing as I'm about to have my picture taken 85 million times in the next six weeks. We all know these pictures will live on forever. Although, I must admit my bloodsugars have never been this stable....of course they would be.
Tyler has offered to be my personal trainer. I'm touched, really I am, but I know that he would hurt me and I would end up hating him. I like our relationship as it is, sort of.
If my mother makes it through the next month without suffering a massive heart attack or stroke, it will be a miracle. It's like throwing a fucking wedding for 850 people where we are responsible for everything and yet everyone else has input and opinions. Have I mentioned the banner? Yeah....
I want a cupcake.
I need discipline.
I want a phone call.
I, like the rest of the country, love the HP "picture of your mama" commercials.
I have had a cold for the past week and a half.
If I were having sex on a regular basis, this South Beach thing wouldn't be half as difficult.
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